Kingdom of Darkness (Kingdom Journals Book 2) Page 4

“And you didn’t tell me you were having these visions for six weeks because…?”

  “At first, they were just pictures, dreams in my head.”

  “But you saw them when you were awake?”

  “Yes, but I rationalized I was daydreaming. I don’t remember this from when I was three.”

  “Okay, go on.”

  “Then I really needed to know if I was Ivy.”

  “It sounds like you are, but it’s just your mind creating this alter ego.”

  “Okay, I get it.” I slouched back on the bed, defeated.

  “Where do you want to go from here?”

  “Home.”

  “We’ll monitor you for a day and release you to your mother. You can decide on a path forward from there.”

  Mom and Tyler were outside waiting when we finished. For as obstinate as I’d been before, shame descended like a cloak on my psyche. Tears formed in my eyes as Mom laid my backpack on my bed.

  “I brought you some more clothes and your school books.”

  “Thanks. I’m so sorry.” I blotted the water from my cheeks.

  “Shh, shh.” She wrapped her arms around me, stroking my head. “This isn’t your fault.”

  “I thought I had it under control. It seemed so real. I just had to know. I guess the hallucinations cause migraines. Did I have those headaches when I was younger?”

  “No. Just the hallucinations. You would run around the house for hours playing with your imaginary friends. It wasn’t until we moved that the buzzing started.”

  “Did Dad think they were hallucinations?”

  “He wanted to take a more holistic, non-medication approach. We tried that for a while, but it didn’t work. I was worried you would just slip into your alternate reality and never return, never learn to read, write, socialize with anyone but Violet and Chase.”

  “I told you about them?”

  “You talked about them all the time, like they were real people.”

  “What did I say about them?”

  “The girl Violet was very private. She wouldn’t let you touch her. Except I think you said Chase did one time. Why are we even talking about this? It’s not going to help you. You need to focus on the people who are right in front of you.”

  “So, is that why Dad left, because you couldn’t agree?”

  “No, we’ve been over this before. Your dad gets engrossed in his work. He’s like a gypsy following his next trinket.”

  “A gypsy?”

  “Let’s not get hung up on terms. He is obsessed with his work.”

  “I’m already deep into a state of dialed-down emotion.”

  “Remember, it takes a while to regulate your dosage.”

  “I hate this.” I reclined back on my pillow.

  Mom squeezed my hand. “You need to try. How are you going to function living in two worlds?”

  “I don’t know. It just seemed so real.” I gazed out the window at the mid-morning sun. “But you guys should go. I’ll be fine here. Don’t miss work on my account.”

  “What will you do all day?”

  “Honestly I feel like I’ve been run over by a truck. I’m just going to sleep and read.” I held up the copy of Little Women she’d left me.

  “Are you sure, sweetie?” Mom got up and kissed my head.

  “Yeah.”

  “Okay, well they have our numbers if you need anything.”

  “You mean besides out of here?”

  “You know what I mean.” She rolled her eyes. “I’ll see you tonight.”

  “Bye, pipsqueak, try not to get crazier in this place.” Tyler scanned the gray walls.

  “I’m not crazy.” I stuck my tongue out at him.

  I spent the day in my half haze, reading and sleeping. My psychiatrist checked in on me in the late afternoon.

  “I’m going to leave you on this dosage until I see you tomorrow afternoon in my office. We’ll schedule a session for Friday to check in before the weekend.” He finished after asking a litany of questions about my mental state.

  Thinking about returning home and to school, I kicked Little Women to the floor. I consoled myself that although I’d missed a day, no one knew why. But I’d been through the drill before. My teachers and counselor would be watching me like a hawk. Maybe I could convince Mom to let me finish out the year online. I’d tried that route at least a half-dozen times. She’d never let me out of traditional schooling. Maybe if I convinced her I was really damaged by the hallucinations, it would be different.

  Mom arrived as I finished the dinner they’d given me. “The psychiatrist says you’re free to go. You will follow up with him tomorrow and Friday to check in.”

  “I know.” I pushed the dinner tray away and started stuffing my things into my backpack.

  “I’m sorry that you don’t think I did the right thing.”

  “I get it, Mom. I know you’re just worried about me. I don’t like that buzzing feeling in my head either. Will you at least keep an open mind if I do some research and find an alternative treatment? I’m almost eighteen. I’m going to graduate and go to college. You’re not going to be there every day.”

  “I would be receptive to options that have proven results. I just haven’t seen any others.”

  “Can I call Dad tonight?”

  “Yes.”

  I slung my bags over my shoulders. “Okay, I’m ready.”

  When I returned home, Tyler welcomed me by rubbing his hand atop my head.

  “Hey.” I swatted his arm away. “The hair.”

  “Yeah, it needs a lot of help.”

  “I know. I’m going to take a real shower.”

  I made my way to my room and shed my clothes and started the water. Toweling off, I dressed and scanned my room for my laptop.

  “Mom, do you have my computer?” I called down the hall.

  “I want you to use it in the family room. No secret searching.”

  “Fine.” I snatched it from her and plopped down on the couch. Bringing up the video chat application, I pushed the button for Dad’s number.

  “Hey there, girlie. Heard there was some action over your way.” His voice came through the speaker, and his face appeared on the screen.

  “Mother called you?”

  “Yes.”

  “Well.” I rolled my eyes. “I guess I don’t need to catch you up. Do you know of any natural remedies?”

  “None that would please your mother. If you want something different, search for it and find the info to back it up.”

  My conversation with Dad yielded no alternatives to the medication, so I opened a web browser and started to research in earnest. Mom sat down beside me on the couch.

  “I don’t have to go to school tomorrow, right?” I asked.

  “You most certainly do.”

  “Fine.”

  I tapped away on the keys, wondering if I should act a little more dramatic. I had the will, but the emotions weren’t behind it. Damn medication, I ranted in my head. Typing in holistic treatment of schizophrenia, my eyes searched for something new. I’d tried the natural herbs for the buzzing, but they didn’t work. The last hit on the page caught my attention. The caption read: Dr. Antos uses lodestone to treat a variety of psychological disorders including depression, anxiety, obsessive-compulsive disorders, and schizophrenia.

  The website loaded, and a headshot of a dark-haired man with a mustache and beard appeared. His picture invoked an image of Thanatos, and I shivered. Rolling my eyes at my own paranoia, I navigated through the website, viewing images of young adults hiking and camping. The pages on the site described Dr. Antos’s research on psychological disorders and his focus on helping young adults find an alternative to traditional prescription medications.

  “Look at this.” I spun the screen to Mom. “This is fairly new, but it looks like he has good recommendations.”

  “It does.” She scrolled through the pages and followed links to his bio and published research. “Well, I don’t see any negatives e
xcept that he’s probably not in Iceland.”

  I took the device and clicked on locations and contact. “Mom, look.” I pointed at the screen. “He has outdoor recovery expeditions. One is here, and it starts in a week. Can I go?”

  “Whoa! Slow down, missy. I need to review his credentials, vet his program, have a face to face, and then there’s the issue of money—”

  I grabbed her arm. “But, I can contact him?”

  “Yes.”

  The second my alarm went off, I rushed to the kitchen to check my laptop for an email from Dr. Antos. The message I’d sent had been vague as I didn’t want to give out personal information, but I hoped he would have good news for me.

  Seeing an email, I clicked it open. The message read:

  DEAR MS. THORNTON:

  I AM GLAD YOU CONTACTED ME. I WOULD BE HAPPY TO SCHEDULE A VIDEO CONFERENCE WITH YOU AND YOUR MOTHER AT YOUR CONVENIENCE. I DO HAVE ONE SPOT LEFT ON THE DISCOVERY CAMP SESSION IN ICELAND NEXT WEEK IF YOU DECIDE TO ENTER MY PROGRAM. I LOOK FORWARD TO HEARING FROM YOU SOON. I AM IN LONDON, SO I AM IN YOUR SAME TIME ZONE, WHICH MAKES THINGS EASIER.

  BEST,

  DR. MIGUEL ANTOS

  “Mom, he emailed. When can we set up a phone conference?” I asked as she entered the room.

  “Well, good morning. I work till eight tonight, so after that.”

  “Cool.” Grabbing a bowl and cereal, I sat down to reply to Dr. Antos.

  “Don’t forget your meds.” Mom handed me the bottle. “Tyler will drive you to your session with the psychiatrist tonight.

  “Wonderful.”

  “You feel better, don’t you? No more humming, no more visions?”

  “No more buzzing and no more hallucinations, yes. Do I feel better? That would require a level of emotion that is unattainable on my current prescription.”

  “The psychiatrist can evaluate the level of your dosage. I’m going to call him about Dr. Antos this morning. I want to get his opinion.”

  “Okay.” I crossed my fingers and held them up in front of her.

  “I’m not against you on this. I just want a permanent good solution for you.”

  “Okay, thanks.” I kissed her cheek and walked to my room to dress for school.

  My day felt strange without Alena and Hunter. Working on my homework after school, I fought the distraction of wondering what they were up to. Fortunately, music provided enough background to keep my mind present. Maybe I wasn’t happy or fulfilled, and that’s why my brain created those visions. Perhaps I needed to firm up some decisions on college. I opened the college applications and finished them off. Then I sent messages to teachers and counselors to request letters of recommendation. I used contacts from my prior high school in the States since my term here seemed to be getting bumpy.

  Then, I navigated back to Dr. Antos’s site to read about the adventure camp. The description outlined a month-long camping experience in Skaftafel National Park, including hiking, ice climbing, and kayaking. Nowhere did it mention cost, and I imagined it to be very expensive. Plus, I’d need my own gear. Thinking of the supplies Eva often offered to loan me, and Dad’s sometimes-generous wallet, I made a mental note to contact each of them.

  Tyler tapped me on the forehead. “What you got going on in that brain of yours?”

  “Just stuff.”

  “Well, I picked up some dinner.” He shook a bag in front of my face.

  “Oh.” I looked at the time, realizing I hadn’t been hungry all day.”

  I picked at the food with prompting from Tyler, thinking I would note the lack of hunger to the psychiatrist. Writing down no appetite and no emotion on a piece of paper, I stuck it in my bag.

  “You driving?” I asked Tyler.

  “Yep.”

  We rode to the appointment in silence.

  “Okay, so here we are. Are you okay? I mean, usually you talk to me.”

  “I’m sorry. It’s the meds and everything else.”

  “Well, good luck.”

  “Thanks.” I forced a smile at him and pushed the door open.

  Inside, I waited for my turn with the psychiatrist. Within a couple of minutes, Dr. Jonsson appeared.

  “Come in.” He directed, as he bid goodbye to the prior client.

  In his office, I cataloged my complaints about being on the medication.

  “I mean, shouldn’t I be angry about my mom injecting me with a tranquilizer and being committed to a mental institution?”

  “I believe that would be an appropriate reaction.”

  “Well, I can think it logically, that I’m mad, I mean. But I can’t feel it.”

  “We’ll pull back on your dose.”

  We talked about Dr. Antos and the reservations he’d voiced to Mom about the holistic approach. “In a vacation setting, you may very well feel better, who wouldn’t?”

  “So, you’re saying my schizophrenia is stress-induced?”

  “It may be. It could also be hormonal.”

  “At three and seventeen?”

  “At three, you were facing your parent’s divorce, and now you’re facing going to college.”

  “I finished all my applications today.”

  “That is good. How do you feel about them?”

  “I don’t. That’s the point. Last week, I was excited but anxious about how to pay for them. Now I’m neither.”

  “We could talk about the anxiety.”

  I listed my trepidations about money and school location. “But what senior doesn’t feel these things? It can’t be the cause of my schizophrenia.”

  “We may never know the cause. Some people’s brains are just wired differently. But schizophrenia is treatable.”

  We wrapped up the session, and I zipped up my coat, waiting for Tyler. When we arrived home, Mother was at the table eating.

  “How was your session?”

  “Fine.”

  “You talk about Dr. Antos?”

  “Yes.”

  “I did more research on him. I expected to find something to be wary of, but there’s nothing. I called five prior clients he gave as references, and they’re all still happy and well-adjusted two years out.”

  I squeezed her shoulders. “This is good, Mom. Did you talk about cost?”

  “No. I think you should talk to him. Make sure you’re comfortable. If so, maybe your dad will find some ancient relic and strike it rich.”

  “I’m not going to hold my breath.”

  My alarm beeped, and I opened the laptop, pulling up the video-conference program. Within a minute, Dr. Antos’s chiseled face appeared on the screen. Opening and closing my eyes, I fought comparing his features to my memory of Thanatos. Thinking he could be an evil witch proves you’re crazy, I thought.

  “You okay?”

  “Yes, sorry, something in my eye.” I wiped it for effect.

  “I’m glad you contacted me. I spoke with your mom earlier today. It’s good to cyber-meet you.” He curled his fingers in quote shapes as he said cyber.

  After introductions, I gave him my history of hallucinations, buzzing sensations, and our attempt to control them, ending with a brief description of the last six weeks and two days. He outlined his theories on psychiatric anomalies, as he called them, and held up a bracelet of black stones.

  “Are you familiar with lodestones? They are magnetic and used for pain control. I have found that they also chelate metals and other toxins and, along with my cleanse diet, enable many psychiatric patients to live medication free.”

  “That’s your big secret? Lodestones?” Mother threw up her hands and paced away from the table.

  “I believe they siphon off extra neural impulses that cause hallucinations. I heard you were contacting prior patients. What did they say?”

  “Every one of them reported two years without incidents.”

  “My son was also diagnosed with schizophrenia. He was my first patient and has been symptom free for four years.”

  “This all sounds wonderful, but what about t
he price? I don’t see any information on your site.” Mom wrung her hands beside me.

  “My practice is very successful. I only do two of these trips a year, and I only ask participants to pay for meals. The cost is thirty dollars per day.”

  “Nine hundred dollars? That’s it?” I asked.

  “US dollars, yes. You are quick with math.”

  “Must she attend the camp to get your treatment? Could she just video conference with you?”

  “Of course, that could work. She wouldn’t get the benefit of the cleansing diet. Also, my normal fees would apply at one hundred fifty dollars an hour. I wouldn’t be able to start sessions until returning from the trek. The group setting really is the best for the kids. I can monitor them first person, and we can assess and make changes along the way.”

  “Okay, well, Camille and I will discuss this and get back to you.”

  “I need an answer in two days for planning purposes. I can send you all the details via email.”

  “That would be great. Thank you.” Mom pushed the end call button.

  “Nine hundred dollars? I can go, right? I have that much in my savings.”

  “That is college savings.”

  “That won’t even get me through a month in school. It’s worth it to be drug free. The medication costs a hundred dollars a month anyway.”

  “Well, let me sleep on it. You get to your homework.”

  “Can I take the computer to my room? I need it.”

  “Nope, you can sit here.” She knocked on the table.

  “Fine.” I loped to my room and retrieved my backpack. Settling beside her again, I mentioned being able to borrow gear from Eva.

  “Tomorrow, love.” She kissed my head and walked from the room.

  “I can’t believe you’re going to be gone a month.” Eva sighed as she pulled a sleeping bag from her closet.

  “I can call you on Saturdays. We get one day a week for communication.”

  “Okay, well, you better be prepared for a long conversation because I’m taking notes every day.”

  “I expect nothing less.” I unrolled and rerolled the sleeping bag and pad she placed in front of me, fitting them in the bottom of the backpack.

  Part of me wondered if I’d thought this trip through. We’d done some hiking but not much camping. With my emotions dialed down, there was no way to know if I should be feeling more anxious. Eva piled base layers, hiking pants, and all the newest technology warmth gear into the pack.