Deepest Scars Read online

  “I can’t imagine being married,” Celeste comments.

  I hate that I can see it—the comfort, the stability, the sense of knowing you’ve found your family. “My brother got married in June.” I take the last swig of my beer.

  “Oh yeah? How old is he?”

  “Twenty-two, he and his fiancé, well, wife, I guess, graduated college in May.”

  “Wow! Do you think it’ll last?”

  “Yeah. They’ve been together since freshman year. She got pregnant, so that moved things up a bit, but it would have happened anyway.” I think about how David said he just knew he’d never want to be without her.

  I curse myself being so deluded for two years, trying not to be in love with Doug’s girl. She’d been mine first, at least she’d sort of committed to be. Our official dating spree may have been all of three weeks. I should have walked away the second she chose Doug. Amanda and I seemed so perfect for each other though. It felt obvious. But she didn’t see it—or her feelings for Doug trumped those for me, I guess.

  “What about you?” Celeste brings me back.

  “Well, I moved here a month ago, you know that. There’s not much else to say.”

  “Mystery guy, eh?”

  “No.” I laugh. “I’m not that deep. What you see is what you get.”

  She talks about her college and how she focused on her studies and tennis and not much else. “You don’t think your brother will miss being free? I feel like I just started my life.”

  “I hope not, for their sakes.”

  She explains how the tennis leagues are organized. Then she talks about her job and her family some more. The music grows louder, and the outside crowd bigger as the night cools. We recline against the rail and talk—well, she mostly does. Others pass by and drift in and out of the conversation. Part of me realizes I should move on, but I’m too tired to put much effort into mingling. I’m not aware of how long I’ve been standing there till my phone’s alarm goes off.

  “Do you have somewhere to be?” She leans into me as a couple passes by.

  “Yeah. I have another event tonight I promised to be at.” I roll my eyes and stretch. We had a good spot with a view of most of the guests, so I know I didn’t miss Liz. I hope Celeste doesn’t think I’m really into her. I mean she’s not bad. I could be, maybe. Really, I’m beat and don’t feel like being social. Which has been my MO for the past few months. I need to get out of the funk though, and tonight is all about that. “This was fun, hanging out,” I say as I take a step back.

  “Yeah.” She nods her head. “We should do it again sometime.”

  “Okay, sounds good.” I wave and go off in search of Jeff and Isabelle.

  “Hey.” I find Jeff at the stereo. “I’m heading out.”

  “Really? It’s just getting crazy.”

  “I promised Carlos I’d come to his thing, and he will make me crazy if I bail.”

  He points at me. “The loco Mexican player? Oh, got it.”

  I find Isabelle in the kitchen and say goodbye. With the late hour, it’s an easy drive to Carlos’s place. A guard checks that I’m on the list and opens the gate. The drive is lined with cars, but a sign indicates we’re to use their valet parking. I stop my twelve-year-old SUV in front of the house, and a uniformed guy approaches. As I get out, I hand him the keys and hope I’m not underdressed. Last time, Carlos delivered a pair of pants and shirt for me to wear the day before. I couldn’t wear the same outfit, so I’d bought one of the same brand in different colors. An attendant opens the door for me as I top the stairs. I enter the foyer and spot Carlos and Eva in front of the stairwell.

  “You made it, man.” Carlos grips my hand and pulls me into his chest.

  When he releases me, Eva kisses both my cheeks. “Drinks are there”—she points to a bar—“and the food is there. She indicates a long table. You know where the pool and dance floor are, same as last time. I’ll help you find some people you know.” She slides her arm under mine and hooks it in her elbow.

  “Sounds like a plan.” I force a smile.

  “Oh, Eva will take good care of you.” Carlos slaps me on the back as we walk away.

  As we find Mia, I already regret coming. This is not my scene, and I would rather be stalked by Josie and Sam than be here. Mia is standing with two other girls I recognize from the last party, and Eva wraps her arm around Mia’s waist.

  “Look who made it?” Eva coos at Mia.

  I fight an eye roll, wondering if it could be any more obvious that I’m being set up. But I play along. “Hi, Mia, Cassandra, Elle.” I smile and greet each one of them. “Do you guys need drinks? I’m headed over to the bar.”

  “Enjoy.” Eva scrunches up her nose and waves. “See you guys in a bit.”

  Mia turns to me. “I’ll go with you.” Then she spins her head back to Cassandra and Elle. “You guys want another round.”

  They nod, and we weave between bodies to the bar. When the bartender turns his attention to us, I order a beer, and Mia orders three mixed cocktails. We each carry two drinks back to Cassandra and Elle. Reaching them, we raise our glasses in a toast.

  “Good thing the guys aren’t too bummed about the second game,” Mia comments.

  “They went three and one for the series, so that’s good,” I add.

  My phone dings, and I pull it from my pocket. YOU DIDN’T ASK FOR CELESTE’S NUMBER? Isabelle’s text reads.

  “Sorry,” I say to the girls and take a step back.

  THAT BAD?

  WELL YOU GUYS TALKED FOR OVER AN HOUR. ARE YOU NOT THAT INTO HER?

  I DON’T KNOW. I TOLD HER WE COULD HANG OUT AGAIN.

  JEFF SAYS TO MAN UP.

  AT THIS OTHER GIG, HAVE TO GO. Surprised Isabelle has stuck her nose in my business, I stow my phone.

  “What’s going on?” Mia squeezes my bicep.

  “Oh, I get called into work sometimes, so I wanted to make sure I didn’t have to go in. That would put a serious damper on my night.”

  “Should we dance?”

  “Sure.” I nod and take her hand, leading her to the dance floor. I pass Mario and Dave, and we greet each other with a handshake and yell introductions over the music. I find some space for Mia and me, and we dance until a slow number starts. Hot and sweaty, I guide her outside. There are misters and fans set up around the pool, and we let the air cool us. I enjoy the feeling of letting go, like when I was an undergrad, and we snag another drink at the poolside bar.

  “So, you have more than one job?” Mia asks.

  I nod and tell her about my side gigs. Carlos finds us, and we chat with him and make our way back to the dance floor. After another set, the crowd starts to thin out. I look at my phone to see it’s two.

  “I think this is my limit.” I hold the screen up to Mia.

  “Oh, wow, me too. I’ll head out with you. This was nice.” She wraps an arm around my waist, her large eyes boring into mine.”

  “Yes.” I take a half step back. “It was.”

  We head to the door and thank Carlos and Eva for the party. In the valet line, I jiggle my keys and stare at the sky. Mia tightens her grip on my arm and her fingers intertwine with mine. “You got a girl or something?”

  “No.”

  “So?”

  “So what?”

  Her hand goes to her hip. “We had fun dancing, right?”

  “Yeah.” I nod.

  “We could continue the fun.” She slips her arm around my waist. Pushing up on her toes, she licks my ear. “A lot more.”

  “Oh, wow.” My body reacts without my permission, and I consider her offer. One-night stands can get messy, especially when they’re with a friend of a friend. “Is it horrible if I take a rain check? I’m really wiped out.”

  She takes a step away from me. “You gay or something?”

  “No, I, I’m looking for something a little deeper. Not that you’re not that, but I don’t know you that well.”

  Her lower lip juts out. “Well, you could get t
o know me better. Don’t be a tease.” She runs her finger down my chest.

  I’m getting called a tease? Maybe Lydia and Rose are right. Maybe I flirt and bolt. But I’ve known the chick in front of me for four hours. I hung out with Celeste for about that amount of time too. Is it me or them that’s got this wrong? Not that a night of hot sex wouldn’t be good. But, I’m not sure I want to deal with the aftermath.

  The valet attendant saves me. “Sir?”

  I hand him my ticket and turn back to Mia. “I enjoyed hanging out. Maybe we could do something again sometime?”

  “Whatever.” She slams her keys in an attendant’s outstretched hand.

  Whatever. I fight rolling my eyes, now even happier with my decision. Shaking my head, I walk to my truck as the attendant pulls it up. I don’t even look back as I drive away. Damn, I hate dating. I try to remember what pulled me out of my heartbreak the first time and think of Doug. Too bad he lives halfway around the world. A good drinking buddy is exactly what I need. Jeff, Carlos, and Cody are out. I need someone single.

  I sleep till eleven the next day. Turning on my phone, I listen to two messages from Mom and then play Isabelle’s from an hour ago.

  “Hey Zack, sorry about last night, she starts. I think I was out of bounds. Call us.”

  I don’t want to talk to my mom but dial the number, knowing she’ll keep calling every hour. After thirty minutes on the phone with her, I tell her I should clean my apartment, which is true—mostly. I round up my laundry and scrub the bathroom, dust, and vacuum. Then I call Mitchell, and we plan to meet at his gym for some basketball.

  A few hours later, Mitchell greets me with a handshake. “Hey, didn’t think you needed people.”

  “What’s that supposed to mean?”

  “I gave you my number a month ago. You never called before.”

  “I only get one day off a week, so I’m usually sleeping.” I toss him the ball.

  “So, you summoned enough energy to do something?”

  He introduces me to the other players, and we start a five-on-five game. It feels good to be pouring all my strength into something, not having to worry about knocking someone over. At halftime, the other guys nag Mitchell.

  “He your ringer?” one asks.

  “You’re on fire!” Another gives me a high five.

  “I think he’s blowing off some steam.” Mitchell hits me on the back. “Must have been a frustrating night, eh?”

  “You can say that again.” I take a long drink from my water bottle.

  After two hours of hard play, I feel better—more myself. We hit the showers and rendezvous at the nearest pub. As we are seated, my phone buzzes. It’s Carlos.

  “Sorry, gotta take this.” I point outside, picking up the call on my way. “Hey, Carlos, what’s up?”

  “What’s up? What’s up with you? I hook you up, and you drop the ball,” he shouts.

  “I’m not looking for anything.”

  “You must have been burned bad, man.”

  I picture him shaking his head. “That could be true.”

  “Okay, well, just checking in. Eva is scratching her head over here.”

  I wonder if now is a good time to ask but figure it doesn’t matter. “Hey, remember when you said you could get some game tickets for my friends. You got anything coming up?”

  “So, now you want to be social? Let me check, may be a week out or so.”

  “Okay, thanks.”

  I rejoin Mitchell and his friends. Mitchell gives me grief about Mia when I admit to my stupidity.

  “I didn’t want a stranger in my house this morning,” I admit.

  “So, kick her out after, dude.” Mitchell stuffs the ball in his bag.

  “Just seems rude.”

  He lifts his pack to a shoulder. “You’re too nice.”

  “Not according to anyone else. Even Lydia and Rose would’ve been right last night.”

  “You can’t be halfway in the game. You’re either in or out.”

  “Well, he was in today,” Chance comments from the other side of Mitchell. “We got our asses kicked.”

  We talk sports and watch baseball on the big screens for a couple of hours, and then I head home. I can’t avoid Isabelle and Jeff forever, so I ring his number.

  “Hey, dude, we thought you’d ended up in the hospital,” Jeff answers the phone.

  “No, it was a long night.”

  “Avoiding talking about Celeste?”

  I sling my keys to the coffee table and unpack my bag. “She’s nice, but I don’t know, man.”

  “Hey, Isabelle was over the line. She had a few drinks. She feels bad. It’s your life.”

  “Well, thanks for that. I’ll see you Tuesday.” Ending the call, I drop the phone on the sofa and go to the patio closet to get the camping gear. I figure Liz is four to six inches shorter than David, but the backpack should work. I’d cleaned everything before I packed it up, so I stack it by the front door for Tuesday.

  The next morning, I’m up early and at the hospital by five-thirty. The beginning of my week is light, and the only thing I am bummed about is that I’m not working at Mayo with Mitchell and Liz. Not that the staff at this hospital is bad, but they’re not peers.

  Tuesday night, I run home to shower and pick up the camping gear. Jeff holds the Grand Canyon meeting at his place, and I’m only a few minutes late arriving.

  “You didn’t think I’d ditch, did you?” I whisper into Liz’s ear as I join the back of the group.

  She shivers and takes a step away from me. “Course not.”

  “Sorry, didn’t mean to surprise you.” I almost reach out and touch her arm but think better of it.

  Jeff reviews the cost, itinerary, and supply list, and I bounce on my toes. I may be more excited about this trip than I guessed. I peer around the room, spotting Josie, Sam, Beth Anne, and Cody. The rest are guys save Liz. Most of them are cool, and I figure it will be a good trip if Josie and Sam don’t decide to glom onto me every second.

  After the formal meeting is over, Liz follows me outside to my truck. I open the backpack, removing all the gear and laying it out in the back.

  “Wow, this is amazing. Thank you so much.”

  “The meals are only a month old, and they don’t expire for two years.” I pick up one of the packets. “You like campfire stew?”

  “I’m guessing I’ll eat anything after a day of rafting. Why do you have all these extras?”

  “I planned this bachelor camping weekend for my brother, and two guys bailed. Want me to help you get it to your car?”

  “Sure, thanks.”

  We load everything back in the pack, and she lifts it onto her back.

  “You should weigh it at home. Make sure it’s not too heavy. You may not need to bring the tent since you could share with someone.”

  “Right.” She nods. “We’re supposed to sign up on the list. Think I might bunk by myself since I’m the only odd girl.”

  I want to offer my tent but figure it will sound weird. I also don’t say that it’s going to be cold at night and another body in a tent would keep her warm. “We’ve got a few weeks. Maybe some others will join in or you’ll get to know people better.” I slide the pack from her back and start to her car.

  As she opens her trunk, I notice her license plate. “You got an Arizona tag.”

  “Yeah, insurance rates are cheaper here so that was a bonus.”

  “Where were you in Jersey?”

  “Camden.” She closes the door and locks it.

  “I have no idea where that is, really where any town in New Jersey is.”

  “Don’t worry. No one knows where it is. It’s across the river from Philly.”

  “Oh, cool. We went there on vacation once. It was a horrid trip, no offense. I have three siblings, so road tripping wasn’t fun.”

  We make our way up the walk to Jeff’s place. “I know about siblings. I have”—her gaze shifts from me to the porch light and back—“five brothers a
nd sisters.”

  “Wow, six kids. You must have needed one of those transport vans.”

  “We took the train most places.”

  “Oh, I guess you can on the east coast. Where’d you go to college?”

  “Temple, in Philly.”

  “Cool.” I slip past her and open the door.

  “Thanks.” She tucks her hair behind one ear.

  Inside, we make our way to the sign-up sheets in the dining room. “Zack!” Josie grabs my arm. “Get in a boat with us. It’s only me, Sam, and Aiden so far.”

  “Yeah, sure.” I turn to Liz. “You want to ride with us?”

  “That works.” Liz browses through the lists and snaps pictures of the info sheets. Then she crosses to where Isabelle is standing. Liz speaks to Isabelle for a few minutes and moves towards the front door. Josie is going on about how awesome the trip is going to be, and I don’t want to be rude, but I also want to say bye to Liz. In five seconds, she’s out the door though. You’re being stupid, I tell myself. You have no clue if she’s even nice or fun.

  I listen to Josie for a few more minutes and then make an excuse to leave. Thanking Isabelle and Jeff, I head to my car. I’m starving but need a workout, so I tear open an energy bar and head to the gym.

  The next day, I have another twelve-hour shift and am dragging by six. Still, I make the drive to the JCC for volleyball. In the parking lot, I snake around, looking for Liz’s car. So, now you’re stalking her? I abandon my search and take the next open space I see.

  “Hi.” John greets me with a hand shake. “Your team is already here. I’m guessing you want to keep the roster the same?”

  “Definitely.”

  “That’s what the others said too.”

  “Great, I’ll see you out there.”

  Finding the team, I warm up and stretch. They already have a scrimmage in process, and I wait to rotate in. Geri goes in, and Liz comes out.

  “Hi, you made it.” Liz greets me.

  “Yeah, I was working across town, so it was a hike.”

  “I thought you worked at Mayo?”

  “I do, but only PNR.” I cut my eyes between her and the game.

  “Filling in must be tough. You get enough hours that way?”